Overcrowded Cemeteries

The possibility of setting up a crematorium discussed during a recent meeting between Archbishop Paul Cremona and the Planning Parliamentary Secretary made interesting reading. It has been, and still is, an ongoing problem.
Applications for new cemeteries: rejected. Applications for extensions to existing cemeteries: rejected. Applications for restructuring a cemetery or other: rejected. Will it, perhaps, be possible for one to be buried in a cemetery abroad? Possible for one, paying an astronomical amount of money, to be buried in space? Where would one wish to be interred: in a typical village cemetery, at the Addolorata, at the bottom of the sea or elsewhere? We heard the joke going round that people are dying simply to get in. Well, it is the truth. Land is scarce, and prices are sky high. Yet do not panic were you to pass away; you enter the afterlife, seek where to be buried or simply be lost like everyone else: there will still be enough space for you.

The Nano coffins are the latest invention. This nothing new of an offer is akin to the traditional coffin, with less space. You need not even worry about your carbon footprint. In a new NANO, you will be so tightly sealed that it is impossible for your decomposition to pollute the air. NANO can be acquired in its neutral original form, and the latest improved model is called Anatomical Orange Nylon. Yes, nothing is better than NANO for your interment in some nook of your choice.

And while talking of beautiful niches, our experts have developed a new technology using the least space possible to reap the most money they can lay their hands on and which you will put aside in the coming months. Now, Aunt Grace or Uncle Charles can be squeezed beside each other taking up an area which till now was thought impossible. For twice the amount your grandparents paid, three times as many members can be put to rest in a third of the space. Mathematics is truly wonderful!

More than that, this NANO phenomenon will soon be available with scenic holography of the Twenty First Century. This fantastic addition is nicknamed Obie One, from the famous holographic message of cinematic celebrity taken from Help me Obie One. I really have great expectations. This new holographic message, permanently hanging over the tombstone, will repeat the recorded message in real life of your loved one, as if the deceased is uttering it anew from the bottom of the grave. What else will they invent?

For those preferring cremation (incineration of the remains), there is the latest NANA development, the nothing new idea of ashes. If you thought that NANO is just small and minuscule, wait till you see the NANA. Dear readers, you have just missed your opportunity! That is not a Euro coin lying on my desk. It is my Uncle Charles. These NANA micro urns, the size of a Euro, come in silver, gold and platinum. Yes, with this latest technology, our ashes (dust) can be transformed into microscopic particles with no limits. There will be those feeling proud when laying to rest me or your loved one in the NANA special hall, there in the NANO gardens. This notwithstanding, many are those wishing to acquire the model on the shelf with an area for small coins to host the whole family.
Consequently, do not fret: others might be eager to pass away to be lowered into a grave, but with NANO technology you can put your mind at rest!

I think it is best to rest my case now and bury the hatchet on this burning issue.

One thought on “Overcrowded Cemeteries

  • Reply Ramon Casha 4th May 2014 at 9:42 pm

    We could save a lot of space by burying people vertically. The graves would have to be deeper but you could probably fit 4-5 caskets in the space usually taken up by one. And it’s not like the occupants are going to complain about discomfort.

    Other options include donating one’s body to the faculty of medicine, where it will help train those who will care for the living – ideally after you’ve also donated any reusable organs for transplantation.

    For those other cases, some way is needed to dispose of the body. I was intrigued by the idea of using caustic soda to “dissolve” the body. From what I can remember, alkali plus fat equals soap. We could sell our remains as beauty products. New Shampoo with Jasmine (Smith). Seriously though, cremation is a very practical option.

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